Thick Skin
You may have heard that writers need to develop a thick skin so that they can accept critique, face rejections, and deal with reviews. My take on that is: Well, yes and no.
I don't think it's possible--or desirable, for that matter--to become impervious to the reception of our work. One thing I've learned about life is that pain can only be shut out at the cost of shutting out joy, too, and anything else to which we might wish to remain open. Writing is an act of communication; most of us write not only to express something, but to have it read by someone and, ideally, appreciated. There's nothing wrong with that, and nothing to be ashamed of if we find it painful when we fall short of that goal.
I don't mean that we need to take every criticism and every "no" to heart, nor do I mean that we should wallow in rejection. Because it's also true that there is a lot of subjectivity in the way writing is received. It's true that a "no" in the publishing world is not personal. It's true that a piece of writing that provokes stinging feedback has often cut to the heart of something important. It's true that our self-esteem need not ride on the opinions of others. It's true that writing is its own reward, and the joy we get in saying what we want to say may ultimately be the best part of the process.
But so often, writers suffer not only because whatever rite of passage they're dealing with at the moment is painful, but because they think they should be handling it better. "If I were a pro, this wouldn't bother me." "I shouldn't feel this way.'" "I just need to get over this." The fact is, rejection and negative feedback never feel good. They just don't, and if your twentieth rejection bothers you as much as your first, it's not because there's something wrong with you, it's because you're human. Rejection and negative feedback are part of the process and they can even be helpful, and we need to handle them with professionalism and maturity. And if you get to the point where they don't bother you, that's wonderful. But if they do bother you, don't add to the pain by trying to force yourself not to care.
I've wanted to post this for a long time, but I wanted to wait until I was in a fairly neutral place--like now, when I'm not currently dealing with any particular instance of negative feedback. What I find true for myself when it happens, though, is this: my reaction depends on many factors. Sometimes I can shrug it off with a "whatever" and other times it's like a punch in the gut. A couple of times, I've even found humor in the situation. I remember a day on which I got a short-story rejection in the same mail as a short-story acceptance, and I can tell you, the rejection that day didn't hurt a bit!
It all depends on how I feel about the project in question, how much I know/like/respect the source of the feedback, how much truth I find (or don't) in whatever is said, and whether there is any hope or encouragement included. It also depends on how I was already feeling that day, what else is going on in my life, and which way the wind is blowing. Do I have a thick skin? Yes and no. I'm a writer: I try to remain open to all experiences.
I don't think it's possible--or desirable, for that matter--to become impervious to the reception of our work. One thing I've learned about life is that pain can only be shut out at the cost of shutting out joy, too, and anything else to which we might wish to remain open. Writing is an act of communication; most of us write not only to express something, but to have it read by someone and, ideally, appreciated. There's nothing wrong with that, and nothing to be ashamed of if we find it painful when we fall short of that goal.
I don't mean that we need to take every criticism and every "no" to heart, nor do I mean that we should wallow in rejection. Because it's also true that there is a lot of subjectivity in the way writing is received. It's true that a "no" in the publishing world is not personal. It's true that a piece of writing that provokes stinging feedback has often cut to the heart of something important. It's true that our self-esteem need not ride on the opinions of others. It's true that writing is its own reward, and the joy we get in saying what we want to say may ultimately be the best part of the process.
But so often, writers suffer not only because whatever rite of passage they're dealing with at the moment is painful, but because they think they should be handling it better. "If I were a pro, this wouldn't bother me." "I shouldn't feel this way.'" "I just need to get over this." The fact is, rejection and negative feedback never feel good. They just don't, and if your twentieth rejection bothers you as much as your first, it's not because there's something wrong with you, it's because you're human. Rejection and negative feedback are part of the process and they can even be helpful, and we need to handle them with professionalism and maturity. And if you get to the point where they don't bother you, that's wonderful. But if they do bother you, don't add to the pain by trying to force yourself not to care.
I've wanted to post this for a long time, but I wanted to wait until I was in a fairly neutral place--like now, when I'm not currently dealing with any particular instance of negative feedback. What I find true for myself when it happens, though, is this: my reaction depends on many factors. Sometimes I can shrug it off with a "whatever" and other times it's like a punch in the gut. A couple of times, I've even found humor in the situation. I remember a day on which I got a short-story rejection in the same mail as a short-story acceptance, and I can tell you, the rejection that day didn't hurt a bit!
It all depends on how I feel about the project in question, how much I know/like/respect the source of the feedback, how much truth I find (or don't) in whatever is said, and whether there is any hope or encouragement included. It also depends on how I was already feeling that day, what else is going on in my life, and which way the wind is blowing. Do I have a thick skin? Yes and no. I'm a writer: I try to remain open to all experiences.
And then, yes, it's not good to get TOO distant from the feelings. It's hard enough to reach them when we're writing, to connect with what our characters may be going through. If we push our own emotions further away, we just make that much more work for ourselves.
Nice post. :)
In fact, we can even use pain, when it comes up, in our writing. It's easy for writers to show how a character might experience rejection, for example!